Read at Your Own Discretion
I usually try to be pretty light hearted with my posts but now is not one of those times. I have something pretty serious on my mind tonight and have been searching for the words to say.
To start, I guess I just want to say that though I may seem happy on the outside there is a lot that I deal with on a day to day basis that makes me anything but happy. My therapist and I... yes, I have a therapist and frankly I don't know how I would function without her. But anyway, my therapist and I have been discussing emotions a lot lately and it has been brought to my attention just how much I shove mine aside. I have trained myself not to talk or think about how I may be feeling.
I want to change that if even just for a moment...
Every week when I walk into therapy, the session starts off with the question of how things are going both physically and emotionally.
My answer?
"Fine."
Just about everything that my therapist asks is answered similarly and if her questions lean towards a subject that requires me to actually talk about what's going on behind the walls in my mind I steer them in another direction. The scary part is that most of the time I don't even notice that I'm doing it. I just can't reach that place in my mind because I've pushed it away for so long.
Last night I finally faced all of the emotions that are normally shoved on the back burner. I cried over myself and my fear for the first time in a long time and I finally admitted to myself just how afraid I am.
Let me make one thing clear for all of my readers tonight.. this is in no way easy. Often times I get asked when I will eat again or when I will be better. The truth is I don't know and I am terrified. Like other teenagers my age I'm getting ready to graduate; but I am dealing with something far more scary on top of that.
My body hates me. I don't know what comes next and I may never know.
This is my life...
I am constantly putting on a fake smile and acting as if I'm not screaming out in pain on the inside. I have myself almost completely convinced that I feel fine and nothing is really wrong. Speaking of which, I am constantly testing myself.... questioning myself, Am I making myself do this?... Is it all in my head? It's not easy. I fight everyday and frankly I am tired of fighting...
There is one thing that keeps me going.... okay two but one that I need to focus on for a minute.
To my spoonie sisters, thank you. When I get on Facebook or Instagram and realize that I am not he only one going through this I am given a significant amount of courage. You are my heroes and I am glad to get the chance to talk with some of you and be a part of your life through pictures.
The second and actually quite a bit more important is God. Last night as I was laying in my bed completely broken I started reading my Bible and God made something very clear to me. He promises that He will not let me stand alone in my trials and tribulations. I can't help but be afraid but I can continue to keep a good attitude and know that God is in control. I just have to trust him.
Thank you... prayers would be appreciated.
To start, I guess I just want to say that though I may seem happy on the outside there is a lot that I deal with on a day to day basis that makes me anything but happy. My therapist and I... yes, I have a therapist and frankly I don't know how I would function without her. But anyway, my therapist and I have been discussing emotions a lot lately and it has been brought to my attention just how much I shove mine aside. I have trained myself not to talk or think about how I may be feeling.
I want to change that if even just for a moment...
Every week when I walk into therapy, the session starts off with the question of how things are going both physically and emotionally.
My answer?
"Fine."
Just about everything that my therapist asks is answered similarly and if her questions lean towards a subject that requires me to actually talk about what's going on behind the walls in my mind I steer them in another direction. The scary part is that most of the time I don't even notice that I'm doing it. I just can't reach that place in my mind because I've pushed it away for so long.
Last night I finally faced all of the emotions that are normally shoved on the back burner. I cried over myself and my fear for the first time in a long time and I finally admitted to myself just how afraid I am.
Let me make one thing clear for all of my readers tonight.. this is in no way easy. Often times I get asked when I will eat again or when I will be better. The truth is I don't know and I am terrified. Like other teenagers my age I'm getting ready to graduate; but I am dealing with something far more scary on top of that.
My body hates me. I don't know what comes next and I may never know.
This is my life...
I am constantly putting on a fake smile and acting as if I'm not screaming out in pain on the inside. I have myself almost completely convinced that I feel fine and nothing is really wrong. Speaking of which, I am constantly testing myself.... questioning myself, Am I making myself do this?... Is it all in my head? It's not easy. I fight everyday and frankly I am tired of fighting...
There is one thing that keeps me going.... okay two but one that I need to focus on for a minute.
To my spoonie sisters, thank you. When I get on Facebook or Instagram and realize that I am not he only one going through this I am given a significant amount of courage. You are my heroes and I am glad to get the chance to talk with some of you and be a part of your life through pictures.
The second and actually quite a bit more important is God. Last night as I was laying in my bed completely broken I started reading my Bible and God made something very clear to me. He promises that He will not let me stand alone in my trials and tribulations. I can't help but be afraid but I can continue to keep a good attitude and know that God is in control. I just have to trust him.
Thank you... prayers would be appreciated.
You, your strength, your honesty and your faith never cease to amaze me. I could not be prouder. I could not be more sure that you, my beautiful girl, are going to change the world. I am blessed to be able to have you as a beacon of light to remind me what true courage is. I love you.
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