That One Sick Girl

As I've been in recovery from a serious mental break that occurred a few weeks ago, I have been learning a lot about the importance of self-care. Often times, I think that we become so focused on caring for others that we forget what self-care can look like. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, but it most certainly needs to be a necessity in our lives. Every day we should get up and ask the question, "What can I do to take care of myself today?" The following post is really just a list of suggestions that I have tried when practicing my own self-care. Some are obvious, while other ideas are more creative. As a little note to the readers: any products suggested in this post have been tested by me and have my stamp of approval. Should you choose to purchase any of the products listed I will receive a small stipend for no extra cost to you. First, I will start with the obvious. You can take care of yourself by doing simple things such as practicing personal hygiene, ...

Anxiety is one of the most terrifying parts of my journey. It makes me feel vulnerable, weak, and very alone. That being said, I have been working a lot on realizing that I am not alone in this lately. I have to be honest with you. I was in a really dark place a few weeks ago, and my anxiety and depression got the best of me. I felt like it would be better if I weren't here. I don't want anyone else to ever feel like that, so I'm making it my mission to show you that you are not alone. You don't have to wear a mask with me because this is a safe place. If you ever need to talk, my email is right here on this website available to you. All you have to do is contact me, and I will be here. To start the conversation, I want to foster a place of vulnerability and share with my newfound knowledge with you. You see, I realized something recently. Everyone around me, including myself, is wearing a mask. When we walk down the street or through the grocery store we put a smile on...

Growing up, I always felt a little bit different. I looked at myself as if I were another person; like I didn't really know myself.  I was the outsider looking in. As I would stare at my reflection, I often found that I truly didn't understand who or why I was. Don't get me wrong, I was an active and relatively happy kid who was involved in as much as any other child: soccer, dance, gymnastics, volleyball... I just found myself to be emotionally distant from my peers when it came to getting along with them. Things seemed so easy for them in areas where I struggled everyday just to try and understand why they did silly things like smile for no reason in particular. I had friends, but I questioned whether or not they actually liked me. Were they just being nice because they felt bad for the socially awkward little girl? Were they just taking advantage of my loyalty and careful, mother-like tendencies. The anxiety was crippling. What could I do? I had no idea who I even was ...

When I think about who I am, I know there is something different about me... beyond the fact that I'm a medical anomaly.  I hurt more than I should, and I have a hard time just being myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love people, but... I suffer from a fear of people. I know it's irrational, and I know that I am loved, but that just isn't enough.  Being around people who don't understand me and know me is hard.  Change is hard, and, thus, being here at school is hard.  I'm always afraid that I will say or do something wrong. Social ques aren't really my strong suit, so I put on a mask to hide my insecurities. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I do just that in the midst of my anxiety. No, this isn't an easy subject to write about, but it's a necessary one.  Anxiety is a real thing, and it can destroy the soul if you're not careful to address it.  I have seen therapists and school counselors.  I have poured my heart out to my bes...

Monday July 14 marked one year to the day that  stopped tolerating any amount of food on my stomach.  I have always had GI issues but I never imagined my life how it is today.  If I'm honest with you and with myself I can only come to the conclusion that I have developed a patient identity.  Patient identity may sound odd to those of you who don't deal with a life altering illness on a day to day basis so let me put it plainly.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I can tell anyone anything that they want to know about hospital life and TPN and physical pain but as soon as I'm asked how I feel about it on a mental level, all I can bring up is numbness.  Unfortunately, I let myself become this way and lost any recognition of who I was a year ago in the process.  My therapist and I call this the patient identity.  I can't really begin to explain what this state of mind feels like...  I don't know how.  It's like I only focus on things...

I usually try to be pretty light hearted with my posts but now is not one of those times.  I have something pretty serious on my mind tonight and have been searching for the words to say.  To start, I guess I just want to say that though I may seem happy on the outside there is a lot that I deal with on a day to day basis that makes me anything but happy.  My therapist and I... yes, I have a therapist and frankly I don't know how I would function without her. But anyway, my therapist and I have been discussing emotions a lot lately and it has been brought to my attention just how much I shove mine aside.  I have trained myself not to talk or think about how I may be feeling.  I want to change that if even just for a moment... Every week when I walk into therapy, the session starts off with the question of how things are going both physically and emotionally. My answer? "Fine." Just about everything that my therapist asks is answered similarly and if ...