It's All Sinking in Now

Tomorrow morning at 8:30 I am scheduled to arrive at Children's Mercy North to prep for surgery.  I will be getting my new gj feeding tube placed.  This tube will go directly through the wall of my abdomen and, just like the one I have now, it will feed me.  I am excited mainly because it will no longer be on my face but at the same time I am very nervous.  My mom said the other day that she thinks this is it.  She thinks that all the problems that I have had leading up to this year was my body trying to tell us that it doesn't like food and we weren't catching on.  She doesn't think I will ever eat again.  As I think about the possibility of that being true I continuously become more afraid. 

I didn't want this.. 

I didn't have a choice.

I am trying my best to stay positive but as everything sinks in I can't help but get a little bit sad.  It is not easy being the only one around who can't eat.  None of my friends really get why I don't want to be around them when they have food.  They think I'm being selfish but I'm not.  I realize that they need to eat, now they need to realize that it's hard to watch.  I want to eventually get to a point where I can handle it but I'm not there yet.  It's all so new to me.  Yeah, I couldn't eat everything they could before but I could still eat.  This is different. 

I need patience. 


I need prayer.

I need to learn to be okay with this but I can't do it alone.  My friends, family, and most importantly God are what will get me through this.  Support can do great things for people.  I don't really like to ask for things but please help me.  Be patient with me and don't get angry when I cry sometimes.  That will happen.  I spend a lot of time being strong but sometimes I need to cry, complain, and just think about my life.  I need to be allowed time to look at the little things and recognize the blessings.  I can't always do this on command.  Actually, I never can.  Don't worry though... I'll get there.

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