Identity Theft, The Struggle is Real
Monday July 14 marked one year to the day that stopped tolerating any amount of food on my stomach. I have always had GI issues but I never imagined my life how it is today. If I'm honest with you and with myself I can only come to the conclusion that I have developed a patient identity.
Patient identity may sound odd to those of you who don't deal with a life altering illness on a day to day basis so let me put it plainly. I don't know who I am anymore. I can tell anyone anything that they want to know about hospital life and TPN and physical pain but as soon as I'm asked how I feel about it on a mental level, all I can bring up is numbness. Unfortunately, I let myself become this way and lost any recognition of who I was a year ago in the process. My therapist and I call this the patient identity.
I can't really begin to explain what this state of mind feels like... I don't know how. It's like I only focus on things as they are at face value. It was originally easier to put any emotion I had on the back burner and this eventually became the habit. I go through day to day life essentially emotionless with nothing on my mind but the next medicine that needs to be given or procedure that needs to be done.
Realizing this has been a very long and frankly scary process. You might wonder how that can be scary right? Well think about it this way. What if I get better? Then what? I've spent so long only focusing on the medical side of things that I've become basically friendless apart from a few people who have yet to give up on me and I don't know who I am. Sure, I know that I want to go into youth ministry but can I really connect with people like I used to? What happens next?
I truly never stop questioning myself because I am terrified. My relationship with God may even be suffering with such self absorption. I've forgotten how to let anyone in including Him. When I talk about patient identity I don't mean that I don't have emotion just that I don't let myself feel it. (don't let this happen it has started to lead to random panic attacks)
So, I am declaring identity theft. Illness has stolen my identity.
Patient identity may sound odd to those of you who don't deal with a life altering illness on a day to day basis so let me put it plainly. I don't know who I am anymore. I can tell anyone anything that they want to know about hospital life and TPN and physical pain but as soon as I'm asked how I feel about it on a mental level, all I can bring up is numbness. Unfortunately, I let myself become this way and lost any recognition of who I was a year ago in the process. My therapist and I call this the patient identity.
I can't really begin to explain what this state of mind feels like... I don't know how. It's like I only focus on things as they are at face value. It was originally easier to put any emotion I had on the back burner and this eventually became the habit. I go through day to day life essentially emotionless with nothing on my mind but the next medicine that needs to be given or procedure that needs to be done.
Realizing this has been a very long and frankly scary process. You might wonder how that can be scary right? Well think about it this way. What if I get better? Then what? I've spent so long only focusing on the medical side of things that I've become basically friendless apart from a few people who have yet to give up on me and I don't know who I am. Sure, I know that I want to go into youth ministry but can I really connect with people like I used to? What happens next?
I truly never stop questioning myself because I am terrified. My relationship with God may even be suffering with such self absorption. I've forgotten how to let anyone in including Him. When I talk about patient identity I don't mean that I don't have emotion just that I don't let myself feel it. (don't let this happen it has started to lead to random panic attacks)
So, I am declaring identity theft. Illness has stolen my identity.
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