That One Sick Girl

Have you ever been told that you can't judge a book by it's cover?  Yes? Then how can you judge me by mine? Tell me that. I know that I have been focusing a lot on not looking like I feel, but this is important to me.  It really bothers me when people tell me that I look good (meaning healthy), and it makes no sense to me that I am judged by how I appear.  I know that the people who are saying how good I look mean it to be a compliment, but.. it's definitely not one. Why can't you just ask me how I feel? If you did ask, you would know a different story from the one you have made up in your head about me.  You would see how hard I have to fight just to look half way decent in the mornings or to smile and be happy at any point in time. This cause... this awareness week.  It means so much more to warriors than just a chance to make our illnesses known to the general public.  It gives us a chance to share our stories.  It allows for you, the general public, to see t

People often ask me how I can stay so positive in living like I do, so today I thought I would share a little bit about what drives me.  I guess it's important to start by making one thing clear.  I have not always been so positive, and I can't say that I won't ever have another negative thought again.  My illness is invisible, and, thus, so are many aspects of my fight. One of those so called "invisible" aspects to my fight is actually not a what but rather a who. My mama.   Every morning when I wake up my first order of business is to get my medications together and my elemental formula (aka food) made for the day.  What if I'm in too much pain to get around that day? What if I am running late? What if I'm feeling lazy?   You guessed it.  Mom is always there to help.   Every week I have several doctors visits and/or emergencies to attend to.  Do I really have to go to the hospital alone?  Nope.  You guessed again.. Mom tags along when

When I think about who I am, I know there is something different about me... beyond the fact that I'm a medical anomaly.  I hurt more than I should, and I have a hard time just being myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love people, but... I suffer from a fear of people. I know it's irrational, and I know that I am loved, but that just isn't enough.  Being around people who don't understand me and know me is hard.  Change is hard, and, thus, being here at school is hard.  I'm always afraid that I will say or do something wrong. Social ques aren't really my strong suit, so I put on a mask to hide my insecurities. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I do just that in the midst of my anxiety. No, this isn't an easy subject to write about, but it's a necessary one.  Anxiety is a real thing, and it can destroy the soul if you're not careful to address it.  I have seen therapists and school counselors.  I have poured my heart out to my bes

The dictionary definition of empathy is as follows: Identification with and understanding of anothers feelings, situation, and motives.  When I think of this in competition with sympathy, which can have several meanings, it doesn't seem right to me that there be any competition at all. I want empathy.... No, I need empathy.   To use the best definition for my purpose, sympathy means pity or sorrow for the distress of another. I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of being pitied.  What I mean to say is that everyone comes to a point in their life where they need to be in contact with someone who understands the feelings and motives that go along with the situation currently underway.   Take life with chronic illness, if only because I deal with it daily, as the perfect example of empathy being far superior to sympathy in dealing with the situation.   When you're sick all the time, people who do not understand on a more intimate level will do

Being away at school has been pretty great but also very difficult in several ways.  In order to handle the daily challenges from being chronically ill as well as all of my schoolwork, I had to develop some rules to live by.  I figured someone else might benefit from them also, whether they are chronically ill or not.  Here they are. 1. Breathe Having a busy schedule is part of being a college student.  It's okay to need some time to just breathe. Your friends will understand if you can't always "go go go" like they can.  If they don't, then maybe they aren't the friends you should have in the first place.   2. Health Comes First I know that going to that class is important, but so are you.  If you don't figure out your health today, then you might set yourself up for missing class the rest of the week.  You will be better off missing a couple of classes now than you would be missing the entire week of midterms because you got yourself hosp