An Open Letter Series: To Those Who Are Struggling
I cannot think of a time in my life when everything seemed perfect. Actually, things were, and still are, quite chaotic. When I was younger, I didn't know how to properly react to the chaos. I would either erupt in a flood of emotion, or I would shut down completely. Even now, just thinking about some of the things I've been through causes me great distress. It's scary knowing that your whole world could crumble at any moment.
When I say this, I don't mean for it to sound as dramatic as it does, but I have a very real fear of falling apart emotionally because I don't know how to handle a situation in a healthy way. I don't deal with change very well, and I live out every day in a constant anxious state because.. well..... people make me anxious. I don't really want to go into much detail right now, but, simply put, I don't always understand appropriate behavior in public and have to work extremely hard to keep my filter on.
I'm exhausted.
I'm under the pressure of my social anxiety.
I'm struggling.
And yet... I'm winning.
One of the reasons that I started this blog was to share my experiences with people. I want to educate, yes, but I also want to do something much more important. I want to glorify God in my suffering.
Apart from having anxiety, I struggle in other ways. My body often feels like a ticking time bomb. I have no control, and, frankly, that scares me.
Feeling like I have some sort of say in what happens has always been important to me... and I think that is probably true for all people. When my body began to spiral out of control several years ago, I was crushed. I was so angry with God for letting this happen to me. I spend every waking ,moment of my life in pain. Why? Why me and not my three younger brothers or the kid that lives down the street? Why do I get to struggle so much with my mind and body while they sit and do whatever they want with no fear of a panic attack or, in the case that it involves food, throwing up?
These are all questions that I asked every day in the beginning, but by doing that I was losing out on the blessings that were being thrust at me.
If you are human, then I would expect you to have struggled at least once in your life. Unfortunately, that's life. We all have curve balls thrown at us every so often. Thus, there is always going to be someone who understands.
I stress this point because I know that, at one point, I didn't believe it, and I still often feel lonely to this day. Being different can isolate you or cause you to isolate yourself. As a tube fed college student, I know this. I don't have the same worries as my peers do. While they are worried about whether the cute new guy is interested in them, I am worried about whether or not I can make it just a few more weeks without having to address a new symptom.
I am struggling. So, I want to be here for whoever needs someone. I don't want anyone to ever have to feel alone in this. If there was only one good thing to ever come from my experiences, it is that God has given me a heart for others going through similar struggles.
That being said, there is no way that I would have been able to offer this sort of help and support when my world first shattered four years ago. I was hell bent on pushing everyone else away because they had to see me suffer otherwise, and I didn't think that anyone could possibly understand. Luckily, my mindset has since changed.
It started with an online community.
I suppose being a part of something like an online community may sound strange to the average person. I myself had no idea what that even meant before I stopped eating by mouth, but little by little I started venturing out to find other people like me.
What I discovered was nothing short of a miracle.
I didn't just find other "sick" people. I found a loving group of girls who really care about each other. I found friends that I could relate to for more than just the things that they struggle with. They share my interests in art, music, and writing. They love God and God's people. They are motivated to take everyday in stride and be happy for what they do have. They are one of the many things that I have been blessed with through my experiences.
Now, this may seem like a really weird place to put this, but my narcissistic boyfriend says I should mention him, and I really don't feel like finding a good transition right now. (Don't worry, he is a really great guy! He isn't always selfish.)
Apart from online support, I have found another place where I feel like I belong.
The people here at school are some of the most supportive friends that I have ever had. They always make sure that I am on the right track in all aspects of life. Philip (aka narcissistic boyfriend) holds my hand through all that I go through. The feeling of loneliness isn't allowed to come around when I have friends like these.
Thanks guys... God is so good!
When I say this, I don't mean for it to sound as dramatic as it does, but I have a very real fear of falling apart emotionally because I don't know how to handle a situation in a healthy way. I don't deal with change very well, and I live out every day in a constant anxious state because.. well..... people make me anxious. I don't really want to go into much detail right now, but, simply put, I don't always understand appropriate behavior in public and have to work extremely hard to keep my filter on.
I'm exhausted.
I'm under the pressure of my social anxiety.
I'm struggling.
And yet... I'm winning.
One of the reasons that I started this blog was to share my experiences with people. I want to educate, yes, but I also want to do something much more important. I want to glorify God in my suffering.
Apart from having anxiety, I struggle in other ways. My body often feels like a ticking time bomb. I have no control, and, frankly, that scares me.
Feeling like I have some sort of say in what happens has always been important to me... and I think that is probably true for all people. When my body began to spiral out of control several years ago, I was crushed. I was so angry with God for letting this happen to me. I spend every waking ,moment of my life in pain. Why? Why me and not my three younger brothers or the kid that lives down the street? Why do I get to struggle so much with my mind and body while they sit and do whatever they want with no fear of a panic attack or, in the case that it involves food, throwing up?
These are all questions that I asked every day in the beginning, but by doing that I was losing out on the blessings that were being thrust at me.
If you are human, then I would expect you to have struggled at least once in your life. Unfortunately, that's life. We all have curve balls thrown at us every so often. Thus, there is always going to be someone who understands.
I stress this point because I know that, at one point, I didn't believe it, and I still often feel lonely to this day. Being different can isolate you or cause you to isolate yourself. As a tube fed college student, I know this. I don't have the same worries as my peers do. While they are worried about whether the cute new guy is interested in them, I am worried about whether or not I can make it just a few more weeks without having to address a new symptom.
I am struggling. So, I want to be here for whoever needs someone. I don't want anyone to ever have to feel alone in this. If there was only one good thing to ever come from my experiences, it is that God has given me a heart for others going through similar struggles.
That being said, there is no way that I would have been able to offer this sort of help and support when my world first shattered four years ago. I was hell bent on pushing everyone else away because they had to see me suffer otherwise, and I didn't think that anyone could possibly understand. Luckily, my mindset has since changed.
It started with an online community.
I suppose being a part of something like an online community may sound strange to the average person. I myself had no idea what that even meant before I stopped eating by mouth, but little by little I started venturing out to find other people like me.
What I discovered was nothing short of a miracle.
I didn't just find other "sick" people. I found a loving group of girls who really care about each other. I found friends that I could relate to for more than just the things that they struggle with. They share my interests in art, music, and writing. They love God and God's people. They are motivated to take everyday in stride and be happy for what they do have. They are one of the many things that I have been blessed with through my experiences.
Now, this may seem like a really weird place to put this, but my narcissistic boyfriend says I should mention him, and I really don't feel like finding a good transition right now. (Don't worry, he is a really great guy! He isn't always selfish.)
Apart from online support, I have found another place where I feel like I belong.
The people here at school are some of the most supportive friends that I have ever had. They always make sure that I am on the right track in all aspects of life. Philip (aka narcissistic boyfriend) holds my hand through all that I go through. The feeling of loneliness isn't allowed to come around when I have friends like these.
Thanks guys... God is so good!
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