Don't Let Your Fight Ruin Your Life

When looking for a title for any given post, I really have to think about the main thing that I want to share with you as my readers. I know that this title suggests that I might be talking only to those who have a chronic illness like myself, but that isn't the case. Sure, the idea for this train of thought may have spurred from my life experiences, but I wouldn't be a very good thinker (I've been accused of thinking too much way too many times to count...) or a very good writer if I didn't over analyse and expand on the initial thought. 

Here is what I've come up with. Take it or leave it, but I think you should take it... (If it was appropriate to use emojis in blog posts, I'd SO have a winky face here.) Also, I promise I'll get to the point eventually.

I'm 20 years old, I look 15, and I feel 80. This is the thought that has been running through my head for the last several months as the summer wore on.

I work in child care when home from school, and, as is usual with children, my kids had a lot to say when I turned 20 in May. First, they didn't believe me. Then, they started telling me the ages that they thought were more appropriate for my appearance.  I heard a lot of different numbers, but I averaged it out, without actually doing the math, to one number, that number being 15.

Due to the age fiasco with my kids, I was forced to think about age as a whole.  

I know that I don't feel like my non-spoonie (aka "normal")friends who are my age feel. Actually, I feel quite the opposite. I'm in pain 100% of the time, and my energy levels are a joke among other things. So, after much thought, I decided that I feel like what I imagine an 80 year old, who isn't miraculously in perfect health, (sorry if you're 80+ and this is somehow offensive) would feel like.

This is my fight. It is a daily battle that I have to overcome, but it has had a huge role in shaping me into the woman that I am today.

The thing is, I have been asked how I do it on numerous occasions, and, though my answers are usually something to do with God, I find myself confused at the question in and of itself. Why is it so surprising that I am fighting? Why do you think you wouldn't do the same? Losing food isn't the end of the world, and I have found ways to accommodate for every single "disability" that I have. 

If I have learned anything in my 20 years it is that everyone has something that they struggle with. Some people have more than one thing. Look at me for example. Up until four years ago my life was a disaster waiting to happen. I lived in a home where alcohol was being abused, my health still wasn't great, and my anxiety was even more out of control than it is now. My battle is mine and, though it may be difficult, it is my duty to myself and to God to fight for a life.

Despite everything that I am going through, I am in the beginning of my junior year in college, I go out with friends, I work two jobs when at home, and I enjoy many different hobbies and interests (I paint, draw, play guitar, sing, collect quotes, and am in love with my God and my goats.. can't forget the goats). Life is too short for me to waste away in bed because I don't have the energy or pain control that I would like to have.

That being said, I can't say that even I have perfected the art of living a full and productive life when I am struggling.  If I'm being honest, I've only just now started to take back some of what I lost when I started to deteriorate three years ago. For example, kids are a passion of mine, and I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother someday. I've been dreaming about the family I am going to make for myself for years, but I gave up on my dream of having a family when I began tube feedings. I figured it wasn't even a possibility. Now, I'm determined to have what I have wanted for years, even if it means having a surrogate mother carry my children for me.

After a lot of deep thinking, (I'm a thinker. It's what I do!) I have come to realize that I can't fight this battle alone, and, if I try, it will destroy me as a person. I mean just look at my old blog posts. There was a time when I had no idea who I was because my health dominated everything. It was unhealthy for me to have so much on my shoulders that I couldn't even remember the core values that make me a unique and beautiful person inside and out. I had to let it go or I would be living without having life.

Letting my heavenly Father fight my battle for and alongside me has given me the freedom to dream again, and it feels amazing. I am happier now than I have been in years. Of course I still have bad days when my attitude sucks and my joy is gone, but at least the bad doesn't dominate everyday. I'm telling you.. a life isn't worth living without joy. I can relate firsthand to so many different obstacles that the world may be throwing at you right now, and I know how hard it is to focus on God when your life seems to be falling apart, but it is so worth it to rely on him. Your life will be so much more meaningful if you let your heavenly Father fight beside you.