My Gallbladder Betrayed Me

I'll be the first to admit that this year has been a rough one. Between receiving an Autism diagnosis at the age of 21 [yes, you read that correctly. I went 21 years feeling like something was wrong with me before receiving my diagnosis], dealing with a huge transition period in which my boyfriend will be moving too far away for me to even comprehend, and having to leave the fall semester before finals due to malnutrition, things haven't been easy. I feel like I push myself beyond my limits just to keep my eyes above the water while other kids my age are soaring high above water with their heads held high. I feel cheated a lot of the time, and I try to remember that it could be worse and that God will never leave me to fight this alone, but some days are just harder than the rest I suppose. Today was one of those days.

I have been missing a lot of class for the last two weeks due to being in unforgivable amounts of pain, and yesterday I found out for sure that I need to have surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I have no control over the timing of these types of things, but I still feel like I've failed myself, my professors, and my family... especially my mom.

My beautiful mother raised me to be a strong woman who  faces trials head on having faith that I am not alone in this battle, and she raised me to be a good student, which I haven't been lately. In my head, I know that she is proud of me for other things, but I want her to be proud of me for graduating college in spite of having to deal with health issues now and again. She is my rock, and I am letting her down. I wallow in self-pity about being in so much pain that going to class is nearly impossible some days, but there are other kids out there who are in the same position that I am in. None of us chose this life. None of us wanted to live in pain.

Always there to keep me company and put a smile on my face!

Right now, my pain and my schooling don't mix, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up, and neither should anyone else who may be in a similar situation. USE YOUR RESOURCES. If you were not already aware of this, most colleges have the ability to accommodate students with extenuating circumstances, such as a disability. I wish sometimes that I didn't have to meet with my advisers as frequently as I do, but thankfully, because I have a disability plan in place, I have a chance at saving this semester. My gallbladder can attack all it wants to because I don't give up that easily.

At this point, the best option for me is to switch all of my coursework to online. The good news is that it looks like I will be able to do that and stay on campus at the same time. The bad news is that I don't know how I will handle online classes. I've only ever taken two in the past, and they proved that work done on a computer [unless it is writing] is not for me. I'm scared. Terrified. But I'm also determined. I want nothing more than to start a life of helping others through whatever avenue of psychology that I choose to take.

I always try to find a moral to my story when I've felt the need to write, and I think I've found my moral just now. Chronic Illness, whether it involves feeding issues, nerve pain, or mobility problems, cannot beat me. I will not lose to something as small as a bad gallbladder.