Underneath all of the Fear

Admitting to fear has been difficult, but healing, in many, many ways.  It's come to a point in this crazy life of mine, where I have to completely rely on my faith in God. I just can't do it on my own anymore, and that is okay.

I have been flaring for several months, and it's finally come to a point where I feel as if all I want to do is cry.

I'm afraid for myself.

I'm afraid for my life

My pain is at an all time high, and I continue to gain new symptoms pretty regularly.  It's exhausting.

In May I started getting vasculitis in all of my IV sites which caused blood clots.  I then needed to wear compression garments for several months.

In addition, the new symptoms have brought forth a very frightening new diagnosis.  I must admit, though the diagnosis isn't yet official, I was almost brought to my knees in terror when I realized the seriousness with which things are headed.  We are 98% sure that my biopsy results will come back saying exactly what we currently fear the most.  

Think.  

What do you do when you have a deadly illness... with deadly treatment options? 

And no, I'm not talking about cancer.  

I have an auto immune disease, or maybe a couple for that matter.  That much is certain.  There has just been debate on which ones and how many up to this point.

The current pending diagnosis is an auto immune disease known as Behcet's Disease.  This is an inflammatory disease that mainly presents itself as vasculitis.  Because vasculitis can occur wherever there are blood vessels, this disease can affect multiple systems of the body.  In addition to vasculitis, this disease causes painful sores on several different areas of the body, and can cause several other symptoms as well.  

The scariest thing about having an auto immune disease is the very definition of it being auto immune.  Having an auto immune disease essentially means that my immune system attacks itself. My body is killing itself.

When I go to explain one of my diseases, known as Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, I have to start by saying that a white blood cell called an eosinophil, which is supposed to be a part of the immune system, attacks when I eat because my body sees food as a germ or a parasite.

Without food, I die.  Yet my body doesn't allow for the good nutrients to come in....

Without God, the fear is crippling.  

This post really has no rhyme or reason, but I hope by reading it that you may learn something. Please, if you are the praying kind, pray for me.  If you are not, then you need Jesus! 

But seriously, thank you for stepping into this journey with me two years ago, or, for many of you, years before that, and years before I ever decided to write a blog. Your support means a great deal to me.  I pray that you have learned something in my journey. Yes, I'm one tough cookie, but I'm only that way for two reasons: 

I have one of the best moms.  She goes to all of my appointments with me, and she researches endlessly.  She is truly the strength behind these words.  I couldn't do it without her.

I have the ABSOLUTE BEST GOD EVER.  I truly don't deserve to worship a name so great.  He is worthy to be praised.  

Thank you, for reading.